toddler taking forever to fall asleep at bedtime? how to tackle marathon bedtime battles

in this post:

• why is it taking so long to fall asleep?

• strategies for helping your child fall asleep faster

Bedtime can be a challenging time for both children and parents, especially when toddlers and young children have difficulty falling asleep. Many factors contribute to this common bedtime struggle, leaving parents wondering how to create a peaceful and restful sleep routine without resorting to sleep training methods. In this blog post, we delve into why it might take a toddler or young child a long time to fall asleep at bedtime and explore various strategies parents can try to help their little ones settle into a peaceful slumber without sleep training.

why is it taking so long to fall asleep?

1. Developmental factors

Toddlers and young children undergo significant developmental changes that can affect their sleep patterns. Rapid cognitive, physical, and emotional growth can create an overstimulated mind and busy body at bedtime. At this stage, children’s imaginations flourish, leading to a higher likelihood of bedtime fears, separation anxiety, and a vivid imagination, making falling asleep difficult, scary, etc. They also have increasing need for independence without the abilities to match, which can cause major power struggles.

2. Change in sleep needs

As children grow, they tend to need less sleep. If your child is still taking a very long nap during the day, they may not have enough sleep pressure if they have the same bedtime they’ve had since infancy. Toddlers ages 1-2 need just 11-14 total hours sleep (on average) per 24 hours split between nap(s) and nighttime, compared with 12-16 hours they needed during their infancy. As they grow into preschoolers, they need even less sleep- around 10-13 hours for 3-5 year olds. You may be seeing your toddler taking a very long time to fall asleep or staying up super late and/or waking early in the morning if they are still napping.

3. Sleep associations & routines

Children, like all of us, rely on certain sleep associations to feel secure and comfortable enough to fall asleep. These associations can vary from nursing or rocking to a specific stuffed animal or blanket to needing a parent’s presence. Establishing consistent bedtime routines helps create a calming environment and signals to the child that sleep is approaching. However, if the child becomes reliant on specific sleep associations, they may struggle to fall asleep independently. This is only a problem if it’s a problem for you! It’s completely acceptable to lay with your child while they fall asleep and to provide comfort. You may not mind this, but you want it to take less than 30-60 minutes. That’s where this blog post comes in- so keep reading!

4. Sensory & environmental factors

The sensory environment plays a crucial role in a child’s ability to transition to sleep. Excessive noise, bright lights, or stimulating activities close to bedtime can hinder relaxation and lead to prolonged sleep onset. Creating a soothing and dimly lit bedroom, limiting stimulating activities before bed, and incorporating relaxing activities (like my famous “arm squeezies”) can set the stage for better sleep initiation. Some children have more reactive or sensitive sensory systems and more sensitive temperaments. These children may require even more time to wind down in the evening which you can offer with playful games like my kids’ favorite “make me a pizza” game! We can also do our best to fill the sensory tank for kids that require lots of rich sensory input throughout the day. This can be a tricky balance.

5. Emotions & connection with parent

A child’s emotional state greatly impacts their ability to fall asleep. Stress, fears, anxiety, or big family changes can create emotional upheavals that make it challenging for toddlers to unwind at bedtime or to stay asleep.

When a parent offers warm, predictable connection in the 20–30 minutes before bed (snuggling, gentle conversation, reading), a child’s nervous system shifts from “alert” to “rest-and-digest,” making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. Consistent, nurturing routines are linked to earlier bedtimes, shorter time to fall asleep, fewer night wakings, and longer total sleep duration in large multinational and review studies. Feeling securely connected also reduces nighttime anxiety, which is a common driver of stalling, repeated check‑ins, and difficulty settling at bedtime. (Source)

This is often a tricky one for us parents because we so badly want to clock out at bedtime. When our child clings to us and needs so much at bedtime it can be incredibly exhausting and triggering, especially if we don’t understand typical development or attachment and think we should be doing something to “fix” this very normal and healthy behavior.

I talk much more about how to cope with this and how to turn things around so that your child doesn’t need to desperately seek you out at night in the Better Bedtimes Guide. Inside this guide I talk about how important it is for us to have strong boundaries and set loving limits around bedtime so that toddlers and young kids can feel safe and secure. I also discuss the importance of tuning into YOUR unique child rather than adopting one-sized-fits-all advice.

strategies for helping your child fall asleep faster

Understanding the reasons behind a toddler or young child’s prolonged bedtime struggles can empower parents to support their little ones effectively. By implementing strategies that focus on creating a peaceful sleep environment, establishing consistent routines, and addressing emotional needs, parents can promote healthy sleep habits without resorting to cry-it-out or other sleep training methods. Remember, every child is unique, and it may take time to find the approach that works best for your child. Be patient, provide a nurturing environment, and remember that bedtime can be an opportunity for bonding and connection with your little one. Here are a few things to try:

• Experiment with your child’s schedule. If they are still taking a long midday nap and/or have an early bedtime, see if a little less daytime sleep helps them settle more easily for bedtime. You can cap their nap by 15-20 minutes at a time, push bedtime later by 15-30 minutes, or both until you find a sweet spot.
• Create a relaxing routine. Create a relaxing routine with calming activities such as reading a book, taking a warm bath, doing gentle stretching or deep breathing exercises. Set a fixed bedtime and wake-up time to regulate the child’s internal clock. A visual schedule can be helpful for those strong-willed kids who may need a bit more structure and predictability.
• Ensure a sleep-inducing environment. Be sure the bedroom is comfortable, quiet, and dark, with a temperature conducive to sleep. Audit the room to make sure there are no creepy shadows, lights or sounds coming in that may be disturbing or scaring them.
• Consider listening to something relaxing. Whether it’s a special playlist or calming podcast, sometimes giving your child’s brain something else to latch onto as they fall asleep can have a deeply calming effect. Our favorite is the Goldminds App, which infuses sleepy stories with science-backed mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and body awareness. It can seriously cut down bedtime and the time it takes your child to fall asleep. The best part is you can try a full week for free!

• Address emotional needs & offer connection. Provide emotional support and validation during the day to alleviate anxiety or stress. Allow time for a calm and connected bedtime routine, fostering a sense of security. Consider using a mindfulness practice at bedtime like deep breathing, or gratitude or affirmation mantras. It can also be helpful (and soothing) to tell your child “the story of the day” to help them process and unwind before falling asleep.
• Gradually support more independent sleep. Remember that there is nothing wrong with your child wanting you close at nighttime. Laying with your child is a lovely way to end the day. However, you may want to gradually reduce parent-dependent sleep associations if this is something your’e resenting or that is not sustainable for you due to work schedules or other children. There are many ways to add you presence without having to physically lay with your child for hours, such as giving them a special photo or object, a piece of your clothing, etc. To help your child get comfortable in their own bed or own room for the first time, check out the Moving on From Cosleeping Course. This is the perfect resource if you are looking to move on from bed sharing or to make other supported changes to sleep like ending rocking to sleep.

• Consider the bedtime/ overnight feedings. Some toddlers who are still nighttime nursing may sleep better after weaning. The Night Weaning Workshop shows you how to gently wean your toddler from nursing or bottles gradually, including feeding to sleep at bedtime.

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