Stop Telling New Parents All They Need is a Shower a Day
The saddest thing about new motherhood is that a shower a day is considered adequate self-care postpartum.
Before I could leave the mother-baby wing with my 5.5lb baby boy in tow, I had to meet with two social workers to ensure I was fit to be discharged because I’d long been diagnosed with anxiety.
I sat on a hospital bed, struggling to nurse a sleepy baby and get comfortable in a body that had just undergone one of the most profound transformations a body can experience in 24-hours-time. I longed to leave, to use my own blankets, wear my own robe, slide my feet into proper slippers and be far away from the constant crying that is the soundtrack to the mother-baby wing. I was asked how I was feeling, how I was coping, and what I expected for the next few days. I shared that I felt good, I was in therapy, and I was diligent about medication. I felt prepared.
For context, I’d experienced a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks just 11 months prior to the birth of my son. I had incredible anxiety during my pregnancy. I knew I had to take significant action and started therapy and was rigorous about it – it saved me.
You Define What You Need
What struck me as incredibly glib in my conversations with the social workers, is that as each woman – a mother herself – left my room, she told me to simply make sure I had a shower a day. That was what postpartum self-care was boiled down to. No strategies, no resources, no education, no emergency mental health line. This is not acceptable. Full stop.
A shower is something every person needs to be empowered to do – it is not a special experience like actually completing my seven-step skin care routine, getting a proper manicure, sipping coffee alone in a place that isn’t your home (while it's still hot), simply sitting in quiet or getting in a workout. What makes me feel the most me may not be what makes you feel the most you. The approach to mental health for new parents cannot be one size fits all.
A shower in those newborn days was not helpful or relaxing for me. If my child wasn’t screaming because he was legitimately starving, I was taunted by phantom cries. Getting into the shower led my heart rate to increase and it was a mad dash until I was out. No amount of breathing exercises made a shower enjoyable. What was relaxing for me was holding my baby, getting outside, and being in absolute silence.
Not All Mothers
My son was a slow gainer and lost too much birth weight. After leaving the hospital, we took him for weight checks five days in a row, including the Fourth of July. I wasn’t seen by my doctor for seven weeks. Due to limitations related to covid, many women had to have their postpartum visit virtually. Now, I was proactively taking care of myself, building my mental and physical health village during my pregnancy, and I had a plan in place with my husband to identify mental health issues and make sure they were addressed – but, I shouldn’t have had to.
It is not lost on me that my experience is one that radiates an incredible deal of privilege. Not all mothers have these resources. Not all mothers can pay out of pocket for therapy. Not all mothers have partners. Not all partners can take time off work to support a new baby while caring for mom. Not all new parents live in a state with paid leave. Not all new parents have family near. Not all parents know what resources to ask for or what serious depression and anxiety warning signs to look for. Not all parents have time off after a child is born. Not all mothers feel connected to their child. Not all mothers feel that they are worthy. Not all mothers have the tools needed to cope, putting themselves and their children at risk. Early intervention is necessary and a six-week postpartum visit is inadequate.
Not all mothers can wait for care.
At a time when postpartum depression (ppd) and anxiety (ppa) rates are skyrocketing and new parents are without their villages due to the pandemic, systems must change. From showers to practical knowledge about biological norms. From Instagram messages to real resources. From holding baby while mom cooks to helping around the house while mom holds baby. From baby onesies branded with an employer’s logo to partners getting time off to support mothers and bond with their children. We need to think about this differently.
Please stop telling new parents all they should need is a shower. They need and deserve so much more than that.
If you or someone you know are struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, please check out Postpartum Support International’s site at https://www.postpartum.net/.
