I’ve always wanted to be married, to have a family, have lots of kids, and maybe even be a stay at home mom. But it wasn’t until I got married that I realized how challenging all of this truly is. The movies and shows lead you to believe it’s easy-peasy and hide the true challenges of these seasons. It is no wonder that for many of us jumping into motherhood “feels like a bucket of cold water” (this is a Spanish phrase we use to portray shock). Can you relate? I know for me this shock was so intense that I spent most of my pregnancy and the whole first year of motherhood ‘warning’ my friends how challenging motherhood is! And yet in the same breath, I was so glad to be in it. My ‘warnings’ came from a desire to help soften the shock for others.

Looking back, I now realize ‘the shock’ may vary in intensity for every new mom, and this largely depends on your background and support system. If you grew up around many siblings - you may already be very familiar with babies and their challenges. However, that was not my case. My baby experience and knowledge was mostly shaped by the media. I do not think I had my first babysitting experience until I graduated college- and even then- there were far and few.

For me the shock felt intense, and not only that- I was also ashamed. I was ashamed to admit it was hard, and there might have been a comment or two from close friends and family that caused me to doubt myself even more.

Truth is, I had let myself believe that because I was a planner, it meant it would be easy. My first shock was how miserable pregnancy was (for me). I threw up for 8 months, everyday. Right off the bat it was tough to maintain excitement because of how sick I felt. I was overwhelmed with thoughts like:

“Why is this only happening to me?”
“What is wrong with me that I cannot get over this morning sickness?”
“Is it bad that I wish I was not pregnant, I do not know how much longer I can go on like this?”
“I can’t believe no one warned me I could feel so ill!”

Once she entered my world I was immediately consumed ensuring her safety, well-being, and happiness that it all felt very stressful. Hearing her cry made my anxiety sky-rocket. I was nervous to take her anywhere and begged for people to not visit us (I didn’t want them to hear her cry). She was a bit colicky which we were able to resolve after visiting an LC but not until 4 months later. These type of hardships are especially hard as a FTM (first time mom). Thoughts that came into my mind were:

Something must be wrong with me
Something must be wrong with my baby
Will all my babies be this way?
When will this ever end?
Does it ever really get better?
Why am I struggling to enjoy motherhood the way I thought I would?
I am not really made for this
Why does this feel so hard?

Quickly I began to wonder if I would be having a big family after all. I also questioned why motherhood seemed a whole lot easier for some, and why it did not feel as natural to me. But time passed. Things got better. I learned I wasn’t alone. I found communities of parents that encountered similar challenges to mine. I got to know my baby better. I was able to enjoy motherhood more. I even mastered a few things - and yet, I was so hesitant about another baby. Going through that same experience again felt quite overwhelming. I wanted to give my girl a sibling (which I never had) but I was also plain scared to do that again. I found myself battling thoughts like “Will I be better at this the second time? What if I am not?”

It wasn’t until 2.5 years later that I felt ready to try for baby #2. Once baby #2 was here, I found myself anxiously waiting for things to feel very hard, waiting for that defeated mindset to creep in - but instead things were feeling a whole lot easier. I was actually experiencing the whole thing differently. I was so pleasantly surprised.

It has been a strange experience to prepare for hardship and encounter ease.

What I learned is that this baby, just like my first, has his own set of challenges but the difference is that I am a totally different woman now. I am no longer a first time mom. I am stronger, far more knowledgeable, empowered, and supported. And even though this little babe has gone through some stuff - my perspective, my reactions, and my approach has changed significantly. I am astounded to notice my growth.

I have to thank baby #1 for being the one who made me a stronger woman, and baby #2 for showing me just how much I have grown. It has been a similar and yet whole new experience. Now, I find myself daydreaming of more kids and a bigger family. Things can change. I am glad I gave myself another chance.

I hope this encourages all the mamas who are expecting baby #2 or thinking about trying for baby #2. I was so scared.. and I wish I had known that things would be different because I am different.