Things Learned While You Were Sleeping
While you were sleeping, I stared into the monitor until its batteries died.
While you were sleeping, my hand kept finding its way to your belly to feel the rise and fall.
While you were sleeping, I nuzzled my face into your downy hair.
While you were sleeping, I spent too much money online shopping trying to stay awake while you nursed.
While you were sleeping, I Googled the lyrics to “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” because I forgot them in my exhaustion.
While you were sleeping, you wrapped your tiny hand around my finger.
While you were sleeping, I questioned, “are we doing this right?” I found resources that made me think, “absolutely not” while shouting about schedules and rigor.
While you were sleeping, I found my village: people that made me feel seen and more confident.
Spiraling Out, Collecting My Thoughts
Those first weeks at home, so many thoughts raced through my mind while you were sleeping. My mind went everywhere from “will he sleep long enough for me to shower,” to “is he breathing? I can’t tell” and “please, please, please don’t wake up.”
I remember in those early days, grasping the monitor and staring into it until the battery died often. I thought I had to put you down, and my body couldn’t bear to be separated. But, I also remember pulling the sheets over my head; silly, to think a one-week-old would have the context I was sleeping and should go back to sleep on his own.
I remember telling my husband, “can you go in and soothe him?” and “offer the pacifier” and “he has to learn,” when I wanted to lay next to you and smell your hair and soak in your smallness.
By two weeks, you were in a cycle of screaming and then sleeping from exhaustion. You were exhausted from working too hard to eat and you were exhausted from needing calories, and you never slept long - waking for nutrition, but obliging when I shoved a pacifier in. By three weeks, you stopped gaining weight, and dropped nearly 20 percentiles to below the first percentile. Our world came to a stop. The only thing that mattered was ensuring you were fed.
Schedules and “Eat-Play-Sleep” were contributing to your starvation. I believed that because you’d eaten within three hours, there was no reason for you to need more. I was told that “all babies cry” and “you just have a high needs baby.” I had no idea where a lip and tongue tie could take us. You were simply hungry, and I’ve never felt guiltier in my life. If I was feeding on demand, would this even have happened?
While you were sleeping, I needed support to know I wasn’t alone. I realized we needed a new approach.
Triple Feeding is Hard
While you were sleeping, I pumped after every feed to bring up my milk supply. With the support of a truly excellent International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), we started triple feeding. The bottles I sterilized before you were born were broken out, and the formula I laboriously picked out was used. Your belly was full; you were content for the first time in your four weeks of life.
Triple feeding is not for the faint of heart. It is a strategy that accomplishes two things: improve feeding skills and increase supply. The only thing that mattered: feed the baby. It is very hard to do.
My son couldn’t breastfeed effectively, and that kept my supply from establishing. He was getting roughly one third of his nutrition needs from mother’s milk by the time we saw the IBCLC on his 27th day of life. I fought my worry of being a nervous mother, insurance red tape and the advice of older women in my life who had never actually breastfed to get there.
To triple feed, baby nurses on both sides, then mother pumps and baby gets a bottle of pumped milk or formula. We did this every two hours for six weeks. It worked and by the end, my son was jumping percentiles, needing a few ounces a day of formula because I could never get a full supply, and was only taking a bottle after three feeds instead of 13. I weaned off of pumping with the help of an incredible Facebook Group run by Serena Meyer. I went from enforcing a schedule for sleep and feeding because I thought I had to, to enforcing a schedule for feeding because my son’s health depended on me to do so.
Triple feeding is the hardest thing I have ever done. The dishes, the clock, the pump and the scheduling of it all took all of the fun out of the bonding experience. I could only do it because of the immense amount of privilege I had: access to an IBCLC, access to a pediatric dentist to address the lip and tongue tie, the ability to afford multiple sets of pump parts and bottles, paid time off of work for myself, and a partner with 8-weeks of paid leave and the ability to take on all bottle feeds and bottle dishes.
To stay awake during pumping sessions, I went deep into instagram. I slashed the accounts I’d started following in pregnancy that made me question myself. I found new resources that gave me new strategies and hope. I found people like @lutz.and.lactation who showed me I could enjoy feeding and it didn't have to be scheduled. I found @heysleepybaby who showed me contact napping wouldn’t break my baby or my spirit.
While you were sleeping, my whole world changed. You were still the center of it, but we were in a new universe. One driven by instincts and what works for our family, and not what we’re told should work for everyone. One that was child-led, and honored the biological norms all people come into this world with. While you were sleeping, I finally stopped feeling alone. I was no longer the only person with a light on; I was up with families all over the world supporting their babies as they ate and slept on demand - the way humans are built to.
Growing But Still So Small
Today, you’re two months away from your second birthday, and I think about those first weeks and how different I wish I could make them different for our entire family. But, I’m also proud of us. You, me, your dad, our extended families, all chipped in and you’re still nursing as you get through your molars and your first bout of norovirus.
While you are sleeping, I stare into the monitor until its batteries die.
While you are sleeping, my hand finds its way to your belly to feel the rise and fall.
While you are sleeping, I nuzzle my face into your downy hair.
While you are sleeping, you still wrap your hand around my finger.
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