how to do bedtime with a toddler and a baby
in this post:
tips for a smoother bedtime with a newborn & toddler:
divide & conquer
tandem vs. staggered bedtime
connection rituals
Wondering how to manage bedtime with more than one child? If you’re struggling with finding a bedtime routine that works for your baby and toddler or older child(ren), this blog post is for you. I’m asked ALL the time as a baby sleep consultant how to meet the needs of everyone at bedtime and have bedtime run smoothly with more than one kid. It’s tricky AND it’s doable - I’ve totally been there and still am (mom of 3 here!) so I’m here to share all of my best tips, plus tips sourced from the Hey, Sleep Baby community.
why bedtime with multiple kids can be so hard
If you are getting ready to welcome a new little one, or just struggling with nailing the bedtime routine with more than one kid, it can be hard to know where to start. Do you start with the baby’s routine or the toddler’s? Can you really handle bedtimes when you’re outnumbered? Why does this feel so hard?! It’s not just you. In the throes of life with multiples, bedtimes can get extra tricky. There are a bunch of reasons for this:
your toddler / older child may be sensing the shifting dynamics (can start even before a new baby is born!) and “acting out” in new ways
your toddler or preschooler’s sleep needs are changing or regressing due to natural development & age
newborn / infant sleep can be unpredictable and tough!
everyone needs MORE of you at night, and you're super depleted by bedtime
All these things are completely normal but can equal a chaotic and exhausting evening leaving everyone in tears. If you’re concerned about how to manage sleep with multiple kids of different ages, like a toddler and a new baby, check out the Toddler Bundle- I wrote a Welcoming a New Baby Sibling guide that I threw in there for free!
tips for a calmer bedtime with a newborn & toddler (or bigger kid)
divide & conquer
If you've got a teammate, try to divide and conquer bedtime. This is most commonly helpful when there's a toddler or older child (or a couple) and an infant. If mom is breastfeeding, she may handle the baby's bedtime routine while her partner takes care of the older child(ren). If your toddler is the one having a difficult time at bedtime, you might try to pass your newborn to your partner to babywear or hang out with them while doing dinner clean up so your older child can have some alone time with you before bed.
tandem or staggered bedtime?
Tandem Bedtime (recommended for solo parents!)
There are a few reasons you may want to opt for a “tandem” or “all together” bedtime with your kids. If you’re a single parent or just riding bedtime solo due to schedules, if all the kids prefer one parent (normal to go through phases of parent preference!) or if both parents just want as much quality time with each child as possible, you can try a tandem bedtime where you put your children down at the same time. This might take some tweaking with the last nap / wake windows for one or both kiddos to align their schedules so that they're going to bed around the same time. This can be a sweet way to end the day together as a family, especially if one parent works outside the home and has limited time with the kids during the day, and also encourages sibling bonding if the siblings enjoy being together. It’s also just logistically easy if both kids need support to fall asleep. This type of bedtime can be done if your kids share a room or not, you might just need to get creative with how and where they fall asleep. For example, you could:
Read books or listen to music or stories all together in the parents’ bed until kids fall asleep, then transfer everyone to their own sleep space. This works well if you have a baby and a toddler! Your toddler may want you to lay with them and your baby might need to be fed to sleep. Being all together in your bed gives you the most comfort! One of my favorite tools for this is the Goldminds App for mindful, calm, sleepy stories to listen to while falling asleep!
Lay or sit in your big kid’s room while holding, wearing, or feeding the baby
Have a floor bed in the nursery for your toddler to lay on while looking at books or listening to music or audiobooks while you get the baby ready for bed, then transfer them to their own space or walk them to their room after the baby is asleep
If bed sharing, be sure to follow the Safe Sleep Seven guidelines, which recommends no other children in a bed that is being shared with a baby under 12 months. If cosleeping with both children is the only option, try a side-car crib for the baby and have your older child on the other side of you.
If your children are a bit older and they are keeping each other awake by playing, chatting, horsing around etc., they might not be ready to fall asleep together yet. There are some things you can try out in the Better Bedtimes Guide to help with your children who are sharing a room or having a hard time settling down at bedtime. You also may want to check out the Toddler Bundle, which includes a FREE guide on Welcoming a New Baby Sibling.
staggered bedtime
This approach might also require some schedule or nap shifting, but you could try putting one child down at a time. If your toddler requires the most attention, see if you can put your infant down first. Even if they wake after one sleep cycle or have a false start, you might be able to get your toddler down within that time (ideally!).
Often, newborns are happy to just come along for the ride and act as a little sidekick during the bedtime routine. So if putting your toddler down first, you could try babywearing or nursing / feeding your newborn while you put your toddler to sleep. Music, meditation or audio books may help your toddler fall asleep while you sit or lay with them.
Staggered, or back to back bedtimes, work well for children who are on different schedules. A single or solo parent might also use a staggered bedtime if the children aren’t ready to fall asleep together yet.
prioritize connection & create connection rituals
If you can't connect with your older child at bedtime because your newborn is the one who is more high needs, try to connect at other points throughout the day and create connection rituals for bedtime to give them something to look forward to before bed and maintain your connection even if you’re not physically present. Some examples:
Give your toddler a picture of you two to keep by their bed
Let them sleep with a t-shirt of yours
Record yourself singing their favorite song or reciting a story for your partner to play with them
Wear matching pajamas
Have a secret handshake or say a special phrase together before they go off to bed
Create a bedtime journal where you write a special note for them to read (or for your partner to read) before bed
Don’t overthink it - any sweet little ritual like this can make such a difference in bridging the separation gap at night!
give your eldest control
If your oldest is struggling with sibling rivalry and feelings of jealousy, look for opportunities give them some control and autonomy. Some examples:
Choices and decision-making: Offer your oldest choices and let them make decisions within boundaries, like choosing their pajamas and / or picking which books you read. For a few of my favorite books about bedtime, check out this link (affiliate).
Power play and imaginative games: Engage in some “power play” before bed, like letting them run over you with pillows or pretending you’re a puppy and they’re the owner. Letting big kids take the lead in a game of pretend before bed can help them feel empowered and less overshadowed by the high needs of your newborn.
Respect their need for space: Recognize that your oldest may need some space and time away from the baby. It’s natural for them to crave a break from the new dynamics and respecting their boundaries can contribute to a healthier sibling relationship in the long run and ease feelings of jealousy and rivalry.
Visual schedules or a social story book may also be helpful for toddlers to set expectations of what’s coming at bedtime and establish a new routine. These visual aids provide a clear understanding of what’s to come and can reduce resistance. Check out the “social stories” highlight on the @heysleepybaby IG page for examples of bedtime social stories. There are also ideas for how to implement these things inside the Better Bedtimes Guide.
If you're really stuck and need more ideas for how to use connection, play, and strong routines to make bedtimes go more smoothly (regardless of if you have one or five kids!) check out the Better Bedtimes Guide.
It includes everything you need to be on your way to a calmer evening:
An in-depth look at the 4 main reasons bedtime can be so hard for our little ones (and us!)
How to regulate yourself and coregulate with your child to make your evenings calmer
How you can use routines, prep, play and connection with your child to set yourselves up for a calm and loving evening.
Practical strategies for bedtime battles you can start to implement right away.
Troubleshooting issues that may arise around bedtime & nights, like:
night wakings
& so much more
coming out of the room
stalling or negotiating
crying
Get the Toddler Bundle to get everything you need to handle changing bedtimes as your child grows, plus the BONUS Welcoming a New Baby Sibling Guide for free!
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