setting loving limits: how to set boundaries with kids

in this post:

• what are loving limits?

• why are limits so hard?

• when might I need to set a limit?

• what does setting loving limits sound like?

Setting limits and having boundaries around nursing, sleep, etc. can be really hard! I bet most of us were raised with more of an “authoritarian” style of parenting where we were expected to obey and not show much emotion or protest. If you’re trying to raise your child with more of an “authoritative” style, this means you will have high empathy and warmth and take your child’s thoughts and feelings into consideration while ALSO having high expectations of them and setting appropriate limits.

So what are loving limits? What’s a boundary?

Limits and appropriate boundaries (like saying “no”) are what give our children a sense of safety, consistency, and trust. Appropriate limits and boundaries are apart of the “authoritative” style of parenting which is backed by research to have the best outcomes for children.

Setting limits means establishing clear, developmentally appropriate rules and expectations for behavior. Limits may be in place for safety or discipline reasons, but are intended to help guide a child rather than control them. Limits should be easy for a child to follow and understand and should be consistent. If a child doesn’t follow, you may have a natural consequence such as “If you keep throwing that truck I will have to take it. You can throw this ball instead. You threw the truck again, I’m going to put it away now.”

An example of setting a limit with your child around sleep might be “we are reading three books and then the lights are going off.”

A boundary is something you are enforcing that has nothing to do with the other person’s compliance. It shows what you deem appropriate or not, and what you will tolerate or won’t. Boundaries help create a safe space for both you and your child. A boundary does not require your child to follow through with any particular direction. It is not a request. Boundaries may be necessary if your child is doing something harmful, like pinching you while nursing. A boundary might be “I won’t let you pinch me, so I’m going to hold my hand over myself so you can’t touch.”

Why are limits so hard?

So many of us have a hard time setting boundaries because we don’t like to see our child upset. You may not know how to deal with big emotions or how to support tears. But it doesn’t actually do them any good to avoid those feelings all together. It’s okay for your child to be sad, mad, and upset sometimes. If you don’t hold any boundaries with your children, you lean more toward the “permissive” style of parenting, which really isn’t best for them. This means you have high responsiveness and empathy but low expectations and difficulty with limit setting. It’s hard for this type of parent to say no. Kids need us to be in charge and to guide them. They need to depend on us. Permissive parenting often results in anxiety and poor decision making, among other things. Our child needs us to set reasonable and appropriate limits and stick to them with firmness, warmth, and empathy. This is why I like to call them “loving limits.”

• for safety

• during transitions

• to manage requests

• during interactions with siblings

• during sleep & nursing times (with older babies and toddlers) for example, how long you’re willing to rock to sleep, how many books you will read at bedtime, where/when nursing can happen, where your child sleeps (or where they don’t sleep) etc.

What does setting loving limits / boundaries sound like?

Setting a limit or personal boundary with empathy and love could sound like….

• “We’re all done nursing now. I can give you a back rub instead.”

• “You’re going to sleep in your bed and I am going to sleep in my bed. I’ll lay with you while you fall asleep and check on you later”.”

• “I’m not going to rock you anymore, but we can cuddle.”

• “It’s time to be all done with books for tonight. It’s okay to be sad about that. Let’s choose a couple to read when we wake up.”

• “I won’t let you pinch me.”

• “Jumping off your bed isn’t safe. We can do jump and crash into pillows on the floor instead.”
• “This is the last song for tonight, we can hear more tomorrow.”

Setting limits and enforcing boundaries can be so hard and so many of us struggle with this. It’s something we are constantly working on as parents. Remind yourself that loving boundaries are good and it is okay for your child to be upset sometimes. We can hold space for their big emotions but their upset feelings don’t mean we need to remove our boundaries.

 Struggling with setting boundaries around bedtime, nursing, or nighttime wakeups? You’re not alone — and you don’t have to do it all by instinct. Our Better Bedtimes Guide walks you through how to create a predictable, loving routine and set firm, respectful limits — so your little one knows what to expect and you can feel confident holding boundaries with empathy.

If you’re feeling touched out, sleep-deprived, or unsure how to night wean your baby or toddler gently but confidently, the Night Weaning Workshop is here to help. This self-paced workshop gives you the tools, scripts, and support to approach night weaning with empathy, connection, and clear boundaries — so you and your little one can get the rest you both need.

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