If I Could Redo My Pregnancy
The journey to parenthood is fraught with challenges - new pains, new worries, new emotions - a 40-week journey to meet the new you and a new tiny human.
As I look back on my pregnancy, I am in awe of how determined that woman was to do everything just right. Between the to-do lists by month and week, the reading, the prep classes and the prep around the house, I was really committed to checking every one of the boxes I was told needed to be checked.
I also wish I could tell that woman that she will be profoundly changed by childbirth and by motherhood. I want to tell her that what seems important during pregnancy, isn’t what is going to feel important in practice. I want to tell her to focus on her feelings, her intentions and her instincts, rather than things and lists and tasks and what someone ultimately marketing products to buy says to prioritize.
Practice Setting Boundaries
Boundaries can be very hard to set, especially with family and medical experts. If I could go back to my pregnancy, one thing I would do is practice setting some specific boundaries out loud and prepare a script to use.
For context, my very first therapy appointment after birth I spoke at length about how I felt I failed my son because at the chance to speak up for him, I just couldn’t. I’d done a lot of research on the benefits of the vernix caseosa - the waxy coating covering babies’ skin after birth - and on delaying bathing for a minimum of 24-hours post birth so that the vernix can be absorbed. I really wanted to hold off on my son’s first bath until just before we were to leave. Despite it being in our birth plan and discussing with the mother-baby nurse assigned to us, when the bath nurse arrived about 12-hours after my son’s birth, I couldn’t verbally say “no”.
I felt crushed. The professionals who have committed their lives to the care of brand new mothers and children knew what was important to me, and told me a bath right now was essential. And so, my son was bathed. I couldn’t set that boundary and I think about it every day.
These instances will continue to pop up throughout my parenting journey, but if I could go back to my time as an expectant parent and practice setting boundaries, I would put this at the top of my to do list: practice setting boundaries outloud, discuss boundaries with partner and their role in helping to uphold them, and identify which boundaries are non-negotiable.
Social Media Game Plan
The morning I went into labor, I texted my mother, sister and mother in law, “my water broke, do not tell social media.” For my family, this really wasn’t necessary, but I know it is for some.
Social media was an important tool for me during pregnancy and helped me feel connected to experts. It introduced me to new people (like Rachael of Hey Sleepy Baby early in my postpartum journey) and for that I am forever grateful.
It has also been a source of anxiety and if I could go back to my pregnancy I would put a plan in place to address two areas of our digital lives:
Sharing Content: Parents-to-be should consider creating a framework to share with their families that specifically addresses who can take and share pictures and information about their child on social media. In our family, we have a rule that myself or my husband gets to “ok” any images of our son before they’re shared by family online.
Unfollow & Remove: I’ve also found it helpful to significantly cut back those I follow to be people I truly know or those I find I align with from a values perspective. This serves two priorities in that it means information about my son isn’t shared with strangers and I am surrounded in my digital life by those that make me feel good. Before my son was born, I wish I’d cleaned up who I was connected with online.
Feelings Over Things
In the quest to be an A+ student of pregnancy, I focused so much on the to-do lists pushed to me on tracking apps and found on pinterest and completing them expeditiously, that I never really took a step back to think about the impact, prioritization or intention behind each task.
Here’s what your baby needs: diapers, a warm place to sleep and you. If you rely on a vehicle to travel, then add a carseat to that list. That’s it. Some could argue that diapers aren’t even necessary. There’s a multi-billion dollar industry marketing a lot of goods, resources and specialty products to make you think otherwise. Your baby doesn’t need a nursery, they only need a safe sleep space - which can be in their own crib or bassinet, a sidecar option, or in your bed following the safe sleep guidelines. Your baby doesn’t need a fancy stroller, a carrier may be what’s best for your family. Your baby doesn’t need multiple locations for diaper changes or an entire piece of furniture dedicated to it, the floor may work best for your family. Your baby doesn’t need a sound machine, black out curtains or swaddles to sleep, but they may work great for your family. Your baby doesn’t need drawers full of clothes or full of toys, but both may work well for your family.
I wish I’d taken more time to rest my body and my mind, to journal to my baby and myself, and to define the type of parent I want to be. I wish I’d learned more about authoritative parenting, biological norms for feeding and sleep, attachment and about how other cultures approach the newborn period. I wish I focused on the “why” behind the parenting choices I was making during pregnancy and what instinctively felt right over All. Of. The. Things.
The Only Thing That Matters: What’s Right for Your Family
Pregnancy can feel like one endless to do list, but when you remove the non essentials - like setting up multiple changing stations, pre-laundering clothes in multiple sizes, setting up a nursery your child will not sleep in for months, studying “eat-play-sleep” schedules - it has the potential to become a period of reflection, intention setting and confidence building.
Tapping into what feels right for your family, your unique self as a parent and your unique child, is one of the most important things you can provide your baby.
