Being a Highly Sensitive Parent with a Highly Sensitive Child: How Getting to Know (and Accepting) Myself Helped in my Parenting Journey.

I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. When people loved spending time in crowded places, malls and loud restaurants, all I could think of was leaving those places as soon as I got there. The sounds, smells, tags in clothes, bright lights and colors (and even the sand between my fingers at the beach) were too much sensory input for me, I felt irritated and unsettled, but all I could think of was that I was wrong to feel that way. What I didn't know was that there's a name to describe everything I felt: high sensitivity. And there's absolutely nothing wrong about me or my experience of the world.

When I began reading about High Sensitivity a couple of years ago, I understood why I could easily identify, and absorb, other people's moods around me (adapting myself to make them comfortable), understand why I felt pain so deeply, and loved to stay in my room at my parent's house (with very little stimuli and dimmed lights)

Becoming a parent highlighted for me how different I saw (felt) the world, mainly because my son inherited his sensitivity from me. When he was a newborn, it was hard for both of us when there was too much going on around us. Chatter, sounds, scents, lights...

He cried for hours and hours with no hope for me to calm him. Most of the time, it was my husband, mom or grandma (who were visiting during the first few months) who were able to co-regulate with him. Why couldn't I help him? What would I do once they left? It took me months to connect the dots, unfortunately. When my body was dysregulated, so anxious to help him settle, we were both interpreting that something was alarming, and so down-regulating was nearly impossible to achieve for either of us.

Now I know my nervous system was completely dysregulated just like his was, and I didn't have the skills to understand what was happening or how to help either of us. All I knew was that I was failing him.

If you are familiar with my work, you know I don't share much of my personal life but I because I wish I had read someone else's experience when I was self-doubting and putting in question my intuition, I wrote this for you and for me.

It is intense and you are not failing.

High sensitivity, which can also be called sensory processing sensitivity, is found in 20% of the population. If you belong to this group you will relate to the feeling of going from 0 to 100 in a fraction of a second. It’s deep and intense! Understanding my own sensitivity not only helped me build self-awareness, but also gifted me with self-compassion. Parenting is wonderful, deep and extremely overwhelming sometimes - and that's OK to feel this way. Actually, that's 100% OK to feel all the things you are feeling!

You are the wonderful imperfect parent your little one needs - highly sensitive or not.

And if you find out that you are part of the 20% of the population that is highly sensitive, here’s some of the things to remember today:

The overwhelm you feel is not your fault.
The frustration and irritability you feel is usually a combination of overstimulation and perfectionism that people who process things deeply experience. You are not broken.
The parenting advice you read may not match what you experience, not because you’ve been doing something wrong, but because we experience parenting differently.

As a highly sensitive parent myself, I know that looking around and seeing "how many things other parents accomplish" may cause guilt and even shame. At some point today, you can find yourself feeling like you’ve failed… this is your call to pay attention to your body and, whenever possible, to take a break from all the stimulation. If you can’t ask for another caregiver to step in, this may mean turning-off your phone and the television, and finding a tree (WHAT?).

I hope this works for you as well…When I am feeling overwhelmed with too much stimuli (work, messy house, my to-do list, the things I would like to be accomplishing, missing my family etc. I start to feel my body tense. My face tightens up, and I know I need to find a way to regroup. The most effective way for me is to take a mindful moment (for example, to look up and observe the leaves moving with the wind).

Now, if you feel ready to dive deep into the Highly Sensitive world, I recommend the following books:

You can also take the Hey, Sleepy Baby course Better Bedtimes Guide, which has sections that help you decipher your little one’s temperament and gives supportive ideas for managing sleep with highly sensitive types.

One last note! Being highly sensitive may mean that you can struggle more than other parents with a child who needs to be in close proximity 24/7. It is extremely important for highly sensitive parents to be able to count on other caregivers, so you can take a break from the constant contact babies rely upon. Maybe you thought attachment parenting was what you wanted to do, but your highly sensitivity has been showing you your body has limits. That's ok to adapt things, and change what's not working. It is ok to honor yourself so you can continue to respond to your child with love and respect.