Gentle Parenting Techniques - Hair Washing
We are a Gentle Parenting household, we follow an authoritative parenting approach and for our strong willed daughter this has worked really well. She feels respected and heard, we value her opinions and ideas, infact she often will say that she’s had a brilliant idea or that she knows how to solve the problem but when it came to washing her hair her strong willed nature was creating a lot of resistance. We had lowered the demand as far as we felt was hygienically okay - washing her hair about once every ten days but it was becoming emotionally charged for everyone involved. We had talked to her about ways to solve the problem, given her lots of warning about hair wash days, tried so many different tactics of goggles, bath hats, washing her hair in the shower, over the sink etc, having baths with her friends as they were having their hair washed, letting her wash our hair - we honestly had tried what felt like a billion different ways.
This is what worked for us and for me it really highlighted how powerful gentle parenting, the validation of feelings and the empowerment of children can be. I had been reading ‘How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen’ and the act of creating a list of solutions to solve the problems we faced had been really working for us. We had solved getting dressed by my daughter’s suggestion of the running game (she runs round the house and comes back for an item of clothing and then runs around the house again). It’s quick and effective and lowers conflict and works brilliantly for us. We solved the toothbrushing battle by having all of her teddies take turns at brushing her teeth to make sure they are sparkly. However, all of these problems are only solved by initially holding space for how she’s feeling and I have learnt overtime by attuning to her that she gains so much from hearing about my experience with my emotions. So I will say for example - sometimes I don’t like brushing my teeth, if I’m really tired I find it really hard to want to do them before bed but I do brush them because even though it feels hard I know my teeth need to be looked after or they will get holes in’. Hearing that she wasn’t alone with her feelings of it being hard was like a lightbulb going off. She instantly opened up to the idea of solving the problem together and together we found a solution. An example of Gentle Parenting working tremendously.
So I used this to tap into the hair washing problem and finally found a solution. I began by telling her that when I was 2 I also didn’t like having my hair washed. I didn’t like the water going in my eyes and it made me feel a bit scared when I knew it was time to wash my hair. That I really wanted my hair to be clean but that I found it too hard and it made me feel cross, worried and sad’. She gave me the biggest cuddle. I asked her if she felt anything similar to that and she said I don’t like washing my hair and her little lip wobbled. After we had connected and validated how she felt I began by telling her the story of how one day a present had turned up at my house. It was a magic scarf and it helped me to wash my hair, that the magic scarf knew that I felt a bit scared and sad but that it was here to help me was my hair and we left the story at that. The next day I wrapped up a colourful scarf that I had in the house and wrote a little note inside it. It said
‘ To …… , I hear that you are having a really tough time washing your hair. Well I have come because I wanted to help you learn to wash your hair. It’s okay to feel scared, and sad and a little bit cross and however you are feeling but I think we can learn to do this together. All you have to do is put me over your eyes and look right up at the ceiling and we will be able to wash your hair together. I will help you to be brave - lots of love your magic scarf.’
Well she was beside herself with excitement. She wanted to have a bath right away and wash her hair. We went upstairs and ran the bath and as she rode the wave of excitement mixed with fear we talked about how special her magic scarf was and how she had one just like mummy when mummy was little. We talked about how magic scarf would help her feel brave and she got into the bath put the magic scarf over her eyes and we washed her hair with no tears, no upset, just a little girl who was so proud of herself who had just needed space and validation for her feelings and a support tool to help her navigate those feelings.
This situation could easily have gone differently if it wasn’t handled in a gentle way. Her hair could have been washed without consent, she could have buried how she felt about having her washed, she could have been shamed, she could have felt alone with her fear but through gentle parenting and gentle parenting techniques she was able to feel safe, secure, empowered, proud and we had found a positive, consent oriented solution.
I write these examples because it is something that I have found missing as I raise my children in a gentle parenting approach. I learn from hearing real life examples of parenting in the wild and then use these as a foundation for finding a gentle parenting technique that works with my daughter. Gentle parenting isn’t just for your current child but it will have an effect on how future generations are parented. My daughter has now made magic scarfs for her dolls and she uses these to wash their hair in the bath. Seeing my daughter empowered in this way is worth all the emotional energy I expend choosing to parent this way.
