My First 24 Hours Away
Toddler Sleep & Unexpected Time Away
At 18-months old, I thought I could see no time in the foreseeable future where I’d spend a night away from my son. This is what I wanted, but also how I thought it had to be. He only really nursed to sleep and with the pandemic and working from home, there’d been no real need for another caregiver to support him to sleep.
And then I had appendicitis.
Bye, Bye, Appendix
While many of my mom friends are energized by time away from their children with girlfriends or their partner, this isn’t what refreshes me or my husband. Time alone in silence, time outside, and time engaged with my son fill my cup the fastest. All in, I’d actually been feeling like I was supposed to want to be away, but I just really didn’t have the desire to be.
My husband dropped me off and I kissed my son, and part of me thought I would be going back home that night. Maybe I had COVID, maybe I was just really nervous about a work project, or maybe I was experiencing another miscarriage? The thought of being away from my son made me want to crawl out of my skin.
When the ER doctor turned away after telling me I would be spending the night in the hospital and having surgery the following morning, I burst into tears. How was anyone going to get to sleep? How would my husband do it? How would my son? How would I? My anxiety spiked and the next 24-hours seemed daunting.
From there, the plan was simple: get through.
I got a pump from lactation, weird rubber socks, pain medication, and a toothbrush. I spoke to my husband and son, my mom, and my sister over FaceTime. I texted my husband an endless stream of consciousness - things to do, how to do them, when to do them. I attempted to say all of the things I would’ve said or mapped out if I was away for a planned weekend full of wine tasting and fun and not an emergent trip to the hospital for surgery.
I fixated on what was happening in my world while I wasn’t in it. What books were read, how many minutes did it take to fall asleep, is he asking for me, how many wakes did he have over night, was the sound machine at the specific volume I tested with the decibel meter, what was for breakfast, did everyone get bathed, is he asking for me, was sunscreen applied, did he eat a snack, was there too much tv on, is he wearing his hat outside, how are you, how is he, is he asking for me, am I needed?
We Survived
As much as we want to plan for every situation, there are times we simply cannot control our circumstances. We get through. And as difficult as being away was, it was an incredible reminder that my son and my husband can handle things without me. It was an important realization that together they can figure out so many things. And while they CAN do so many things without me, we all realized how important we are individually to our little family ecosystem. We all SAW each other and what each person does for our family a little bit more.
We survived. We powered through. Me in the hospital and my family in our home. There, I pumped. I slept. I had a lot of pain medication. I watched Bravo! alone. I spoke to many nurses about how I needed to get home to my son. I walked up and down the halls as soon as I could get up so I could be discharged as quickly as possible.
At home, my husband and son found a way together to get sleep all night long and naps during the day. The sleep I was petrified wouldn’t come, was hard to get, but it happened. They did it together, through my husband supporting my son until he was in a deep sleep snuggled with my sweater.
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