Setting Loving Limits: How to Set Boundaries in a Firm & Kind Way
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Setting limits and boundaries around nursing, sleep, etc. can be really hard! I bet most of us were raised with more of an “authoritarian” style of parenting where we were expected to obey and not show much emotion or protest. If you’re trying to raise your child with more of an “authoritative” style, this means you will have high empathy and warmth and take your child’s thoughts and feelings into consideration while ALSO having high expectations of them and setting appropriate limits.
So what are loving limits?
Limits or boundaries (like saying “no”) are what give our children a sense of safety, consistency, and trust. Appropriate limits and boundaries are apart of the “authoritative” style of parenting which is backed by research to have the best outcomes for children.
Why are limits so hard?
So many of us have a hard time setting boundaries because we don’t like to see our child upset. You may not know how to deal with big emotions or how to support tears. But it doesn’t actually do them any good to avoid those feelings all together. It’s okay for your child to be sad, mad, and upset sometimes. If you don’t hold any boundaries with your children, you lean more toward the “permissive” style of parenting, which really isn’t best for them. This means you have high responsiveness and empathy but low expectations and difficulty with limit setting. It’s hard for this type of parent to say no. Kids need us to be in charge and to guide them. They need to depend on us. Permissive parenting often results in anxiety and poor decision making, among other things. Our child needs us to set reasonable and appropriate limits and stick to them with firmness, warmth, and empathy.
When might I need to set a limit?
for safety
when play time is ending
requests
during interactions with siblings
during sleep & nursing times (with older babies and toddlers) depending on:
how long you’re willing to rock to sleep
how many books you will read at bedtime
where/when nursing can happen
where your child sleeps (or where they don’t sleep)
What does setting loving limits sound like?
Setting a limit with empathy and love could sound like….
“We’re all done nursing now. I can give you a back rub instead.”
“You’re going to sleep in your bed and I am going to sleep in my bed. I’ll lay with you while you fall asleep and check on you later".”
“I’m not going to rock you anymore, but we can cuddle.”
“It’s time to be all done with books for tonight. It’s okay to be sad about that. Let’s choose a couple to read when we wake up.”
“I won’t let you pinch me.”
Setting boundaries can be so hard and so many of us struggle with this. It’s something we are constantly working on as parents. Remind yourself that loving boundaries are good and it is okay for your child to be upset sometimes. It’s how they learn!
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