How a popular sleep training program drove me nuts and ruined my first year as a mother…

…and led me to a new career.

My first baby had never slept through the night, or even for more than a few hours, by three months. Surely there was something wrong. He had spent every single second asleep either on my chest or in our stroller or car seat. We had even resorted to having him sleep in a rock’n’play which are now recalled because of so many infant deaths. I tried giving him bottles of formula even though I had an oversupply of breastmilk and he was a great nurser. I tried literally anything that anyone told me to do. Stretch his feeds? Sure! Put him in the carseat? Ok! Most of what I tried now horrifies me.

When I did “give up” and let him nurse and sleep on me for naps, he was an angel. He’d sleep for 2 hours at a time if I let him. And of course I loved it. But I also felt so guilty, like I had this dirty secret that I couldn’t quite articulate to anyone. All anyone ever asked was if he was a “good baby” and a “good sleeper.” When people came to visit and saw how hard it was for me to set him down I could tell they felt sorry for me- like I must have gotten a broken baby. It felt like I was doing this harmful thing to him by allowing him to sleep close to me, the way he seemed to want to. Everyone said if I didn’t put him down, he would never “learn.” I had officially been brainwashed and was bordering on postpartum depression.

As a new mom who was always a total “baby person,” I was so ashamed that my son was such an “awful” sleeper. Not my baby! As our pediatrician, 9 different sleep books, and Instagram all told me, he shouldn’t really need me throughout the night anymore after the first few weeks. And he for SURE shouldn’t need me to nurse him to sleep or hold him for naps. He was nearly 4 months old after all! Practically a teenager- time for him to be independent already! He was gaining great weight (hello, 98th percentile) and had no medical conditions to speak of, so what was up? I mean- I read all the books! I knew all the things! Why did he absolutely refuse to be put down for sleep? Why was he still waking to nurse 3+ times per night? What was wrong with us?

I got a generic e-book sent to my inbox ready for download. I opened it and read as it started outlining all the ways I had already failed.

Completely sleep deprived and desperate like many new Mamas, I finally caved and bought one of those pre-made sleep guides from a very popular “celebrity” sleep coach when he was around 3 and a half months old. It was geared towards newborns but I figured I needed to start from scratch. I got a generic e-book sent to my inbox ready for download. I opened it and read as it started outlining all the ways I had already failed. It gave some tips and tricks to try like white noise and patting (duh?) but warned me not to make my baby too dependent on these things. There was some video instruction as well. She made it look and sound SO easy. I just had to put him down “drowsy but awake” in a swaddle. The baby in the video was put in the crib and literally just closed his eyes and went to sleep- it was amazing! I had to make sure I didn’t let him fall asleep at the breast- that’d be a HUGE mistake! I could always give him a dream feed later if I was worried about him being too hungry- that sounded gentle! I definitely didn’t want my baby to be hungry! Then, when he cried at night, all I had to do is shhhh and pat him. Then I should try blasting the white noise even higher. I would tell him I’m there in a soothing voice. He’ll fall right back to sleep and I’ll get a nice 8 hour stretch.

So of course when none of that worked, I felt like even more of a failure. I started resenting my baby for not being like the ones on the video. Why was he so needy?! It must be something I did wrong. I was holding him too much which was selfish, and should have had him on a schedule from the day we got home from the hospital. I had ruined all chance of him getting good sleep. And like the video said- sleep deprivation is so dangerous! Now he won’t develop properly. He’ll probably get ADHD from lack of sleep, or he’ll start to miss milestones. I’d totally f*cked him up.

From there, I figured we needed much more intense help. I continued reading every baby sleep book I could find, like Twelve Hours by Twelve Weeks and researched the Ferber method. We decided to start letting him cry, doing timed checks every few minutes. It was truly gut wrenching and after a couple of weeks we had nothing to show for it, so we stopped. But we still weren’t sleeping.

Now truly desperate, I returned to that celebrity sleep coach and purchased the next course geared toward 5+ month old babies- which was a pretty penny. I was promised that this would work (98% success rate!), and that for some babies there were NO tears at all. It was gentle, and signed off by medical professionals. The plan escalated into full-blown Ferber style sleep training right under my nose, though it was marketed as very gentle because we were to check on him at timed intervals rather than just leaving him completely alone. How civilized! We were told that as long as we popped in every few minutes and let our baby know we were there (with our shhh’s or voice only- never getting too close and definitely not touching him) that he would be fine. He was basically just throwing a tantrum and we shouldn’t worry about the crying being dangerous. It was good for him. He had to learn. It was the gift of sleep!

Guys. The screaming was INTENSE. I couldn’t believe how much and for how long this kid was able to cry for. And he wasn’t the only one crying. My husband consoled me each night as I dry-heaved and sobbed hysterically in the fetal position. Needless to say we got substantially LESS sleep than we were getting before. How could this be worth it? We tried for almost the whole 2-week plan and the crying never subsided the way they said it would. Some nights were better than others, but on the worst nights my baby cried alone for almost an hour at a time.

We caved, and didn’t finish the full 2 weeks of the program. “He’s only 5 months, we can try again when he’s 6 months.” So we did, and when that didn’t work either, we tried at 8 months. We failed at sleep training 3 separate times before completely surrendering to my son’s (normal) wakefulness. Actually, he only woke up about 2-3 times per night, took a feed, and went right back to sleep (with the occasional early morning wake-up). Knowing what I know now about normal infant sleep, he was actually a FANTASTIC sleeper! I just didn’t know it at the time because my sense of “normal” was so incredibly warped. He eventually slept through the entire night (7pm-6am) the week he turned 1 year old, without any intervention or changes on our part, and has done so every single night since. He is the best sleeper ever now at 4, and it makes me so sad that I tried to push him before he was ready. I regret it every day.

When I got pregnant again, anxiety consumed me. The thought of the first year and what sleep would be like was enough to send me into a tailspin. How on earth will I do that again, now with a toddler to care for? I decided to put my pregnancy insomnia to good use and researched infant sleep into the wee hours of many a night. I eventually found a program that sounded lovely. Sleep without sleep training. There IS a middle ground between “Cry it Out” and “Wait it Out.” I became so passionate about researching attachment theory, sleep science, and baby development, along with maternal mental health, that I decided to pursue a certification in Baby-Led Sleep and Wellbeing through Isla Grace, based in Canada. I’m so glad I found a program that shows moms that they don’t have to suffer, but they don’t have to make a choice that feels unnatural or harmful either. I’ve been certified now for several months and have continued my education through the Mini Course with the Holistic Sleep Coaching program based in the UK and have done additional training with Possums Clinic and the Neufeld Institute, as well as Bebo Mia for a Breastfeeding Cert.

I still deal with the guilt of sleep training my baby and can tell you for a fact that for me, it was not worth it. I know some mothers who will defend this same choice saying it worked miracles for them, and was the best thing they ever did. So why are there such disparate accounts of using the exact same program? Because babies are all different! For some babies that have naturally easy-going temperaments, this type of sleep training can be pretty quick and effective. Lots of parents report 1-2 nights of 20 minutes or so of crying (though for many of us this still feels like way too much), then a baby who sleeps right through the night. That’s why there’s such a cult following for this particular program, and why so many of my friends recommended it.

The whole idea of sleep training goes completely against the innate biological need that all babies have to co-regulate with a responsive attachment figure.

However in the marketing of this program the thing that they fail to mention thoroughly enough in my opinion, is that their “technique” does NOT work for many babies and mothers. For moms with PPA or PPD, it can be incredibly traumatizing to hear your baby crying out for you and not going in to comfort them. For us, since I was breastfeeding, it was recommended that my husband be the one to do the “pop-ins” so that our baby didn’t expect to be fed. This meant that I had to lay there totally helpless listening to my baby cry and my husband fail at soothing him. For an estimated fifth or so of babies, especially those with highly sensitive temperaments, this type of sleep training will likely never work. These babies get too worked up and are completely incapable of down-regulating without a caregiver. In fact, the whole idea of sleep training goes completely against the innate biological need that all babies have to co-regulate with a responsive attachment figure. They rely heavily on the parent (mature brain) to communicate with their (primitive) brain through mirror neurons, allowing them to realize that all is calm and safe.

The other thing the program fails to mention and that I hear from parents ALL the time is that you have to essentially “retrain” your baby and go through the whole process again anytime something that disrupts sleep comes up like teething, an illness, travel, a developmental leap, etc. It’s in no way a one-and-done approach. I’ve also spoken with many Mamas who had detrimental dip in breastmilk supply or whose babies lost weight, some flirting with failure to thrive. This is because even though sleep training “worked” for them, their baby was now sleeping through what should have been several nightly feeds to both maintain weight and the mother’s supply. Of course none of these outcomes are what parents intend when they set out on this journey, which is why I have such a problem with the lack of transparency with not just this particular program but sleep training culture in general.

The last thing to think about is what do we mean when we say that sleep training “worked?” Because we can’t claim that our babies have learned to “self soothe” or that they’ve learned to sleep. Babies come into the world knowing how to sleep- they spend almost 95% of their last few weeks in utero asleep. Sleep is not a skill that needs to be taught. It is a biological function just like eliminating waste and breathing that for the most part is outside of our conscious control.

They have given up that the parent is coming for them, which for a baby is the most alarming and devastating thing that they can go through.

“Self soothing” is just not a thing for babies. In recent years, the terms "self soothing" and "self regulation" have been used interchangeably, which leads to many incorrect conclusions. Some babies have the ability to self-regulate more easily than others, meaning that they will suck their fingers, hum to themselves, etc. when in a calm state to continue that calm state. However, once they are already upset, babies are NOT able to self-regulate, or bring themselves back down to neutral. Babies have 6 states of arousal: asleep, drowsy, hypo-aroused, calmly focused/ alert, hyperaroused, and flooded. When baby is hyperaroused, meaning extremely upset, they are burning lots of energy. They need their parents to help them down-regulate. If not, they become flooded (like what happens in sleep training) and may eventually fall asleep. The brain's last mechanism is to protect itself. This does NOT mean baby is "self soothing” but rather they are shutting down. They have given up that the parent is coming for them, which for a baby is the most alarming and devastating thing that they can go through. Preliminary research shows that even once babies stop crying, cortisol levels remain high (meaning they're still stressed- they haven't "self soothed"- they've simply stopped asking for help). Since stress reactivity is set in the first year of life, this is very important. The HPA (hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal) pathway of the brain (our "alarm system") can become highly sensitized for life if we do not respond to baby's signals, affecting their impulsivity, stress threshold, and empathy for life.

So what’s my biggest takeaway from sleep training now that I’m a sleep specialist? My son was NOT a bad sleeper. Nope- he was 100% normal- a thriving, healthy newborn who just happened to want to snuggle with his mom. A baby who had reflux and couldn’t lay flat comfortably in his bassinet. An infant going through developmental milestones, growth spurts, and teething, who needed a couple of feeds throughout the night. I couldn’t believe that I had spent so much time trying to fight biology. Human babies are designed to need us- to seek us out for comfort, protection, and basic survival. A secure attachment, which we all want for our babies, happens when “we have experiences between the caregiver and the child where the caregiver allows the child to feel that predictably, their needs will be seen and responded to. They are connected and protected. They feel safe, seen, soothed and secure.” (Allan Schore, Branious, 2017).

It’s not you that’s failing and it’s not your baby.

This might not be “convenient” in modern-day society where both parents are normally required to put in a full work schedule to make ends meet, but the baby doesn’t know that! So if you’re at your wit’s end trying to get your baby to sleep independently, just know that I’ve been there. I can feel your sleep deprived brain fog from here. You will get through it they WILL sleep, and there are other options besides sleep training. It’s not you that’s failing and it’s not your baby. We don’t have the support, resources or proper education prenatally or perinatally to form realistic expectations about infant sleep, or to help us deal with the (reasonable) demands of a newborn. It’s our society and culture that has failed us.

“If you can listen to your baby and not your clock or your older sister, motherhood almost always gets to be a whole lot more fun.”

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From Sleep Training Drop-Out to Sleep Specialist

I got a generic e-book sent to my inbox ready for download. I opened it and read as it started outlining all the ways I had already failed.

The whole idea of sleep training goes completely against the innate biological need that all babies have to co-regulate with a responsive attachment figure.

They have given up that the parent is coming for them, which for a baby is the most alarming and devastating thing that they can go through.

It’s not you that’s failing and it’s not your baby.

“If you can listen to your baby and not your clock or your older sister, motherhood almost always gets to be a whole lot more fun.”

From Sleep Training Drop-Out to Sleep Specialist

I got a generic e-book sent to my inbox ready for download. I opened it and read as it started outlining all the ways I had already failed.

The whole idea of sleep training goes completely against the innate biological need that all babies have to co-regulate with a responsive attachment figure.

They have given up that the parent is coming for them, which for a baby is the most alarming and devastating thing that they can go through.

It’s not you that’s failing and it’s not your baby.

“If you can listen to your baby and not your clock or your older sister, motherhood almost always gets to be a whole lot more fun.”

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