A Whole Mindset Change From Baby #1 To Baby #2

I’ve always wanted to be married, to have a family, have lots of kids, and maybe even be a stay at home mom. But it wasn’t until I got married that I realized how challenging all of this truly is. The movies and shows lead you to believe it’s easy-peasy and hide the true challenges of these seasons. It is no wonder that for many of us jumping into motherhood “feels like a bucket of cold water” (this is a Spanish phrase we use to portray shock). Can you relate? I know for me this shock was so intense that I spent most of my pregnancy and the whole first year of motherhood ‘warning’ my friends how challenging motherhood is! And yet in the same breath, I was so glad to be in it. My ‘warnings’ came from a desire to help soften the shock for others. 

Looking back, I now realize ‘the shock’ may vary in intensity for every new mom, and this largely depends on your background and support system. If you grew up around many siblings – you may already be very familiar with babies and their challenges. However, that was not my case. My baby experience and knowledge was mostly shaped by the media. I do not think I had my first babysitting experience until I graduated college- and even then- there were far and few.

For me the shock felt intense, and not only that- I was also ashamed. I was ashamed to admit it was hard, and there might have been a comment or two from close friends and family that caused me to doubt myself even more. 

Truth is, I had let myself believe that because I was a planner, it meant it would be easy. My first shock was how miserable pregnancy was (for me). I threw up for 8 months, everyday. Right off the bat it was tough to maintain excitement because of how sick I felt. I was overwhelmed with thoughts like:

• “Why is this only happening to me?”

• “What is wrong with me that I cannot get over this morning sickness?”

• “Is it bad that I wish I was not pregnant, I do not know how much longer I can go on like this?”

• “I can’t believe no one warned me I could feel so ill!”

Once she entered my world I was immediately consumed ensuring her safety, well-being, and happiness that it all felt very stressful. Hearing her cry made my anxiety sky-rocket. I was nervous to take her anywhere and begged for people to not visit us (I didn’t want them to hear her cry). She was a bit colicky which we were able to resolve after visiting an LC but not until 4 months later. These type of hardships are especially hard as a FTM (first time mom). Thoughts that came into my mind were:

• Something must be wrong with me

• Something must be wrong with my baby

• Will all my babies be this way? 

• When will this ever end? 

• Does it ever really get better?

• Why am I struggling to enjoy motherhood the way I thought I would? 

• I am not really made for this 

• Why does this feel so hard?

Quickly I began to wonder if I would be having a big family after all. I also questioned why motherhood seemed a whole lot easier for some, and why it did not feel as natural to me. But time passed. Things got better. I learned I wasn’t alone. I found communities of parents that encountered similar challenges to mine. I got to know my baby better. I was able to enjoy motherhood more. I even mastered a few things – and yet, I was so hesitant about another baby. Going through that same experience again felt quite overwhelming.  I wanted to give my girl a sibling (which I never had) but I was also plain scared to do that again. I found myself battling thoughts like “Will I be better at this the second time? What if I am not?”

It wasn’t until 2.5 years later that I felt ready to try for baby #2. Once baby #2 was here, I found myself anxiously waiting for things to feel very hard, waiting for that defeated mindset to creep in – but instead things were feeling a whole lot easier. I was actually experiencing the whole thing differently. I was so pleasantly surprised. 

It has been a strange experience to prepare for hardship and encounter ease. 

What I learned is that this baby, just like my first, has his own set of challenges but the difference is that I am a totally different woman now. I am no longer a first time mom.  I am stronger, far more knowledgeable, empowered, and supported. And even though this little babe has gone through some stuff – my perspective, my reactions, and my approach has changed significantly. I am astounded to notice my growth. 

I have to thank baby #1 for being the one who made me a stronger woman, and baby #2 for showing me just how much I have grown. It has been a similar and yet whole new experience. Now, I find myself daydreaming of more kids and a bigger family. Things can change. I am glad I gave myself another chance.

I hope this encourages all the mamas who are expecting baby #2 or thinking about trying for baby #2. I was so scared.. and I wish I had known that things would be different because I am different.

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